While the overall application was good, we would like to request a new sample— the current one has a few grammatical errors, and doesn't exhibit much show of overall voice.
If you respond to this comment with your revisions, we'll look them over ASAP! You'll have until 01/09.
Sample I smile at Clank, sitting up and letting my ears up more. His words are really helping me right now. Maybe he's right. Maybe I have fulfilled my purpose. Tachyon is gone, I've not only avenged my Father but all the other Lombax's that died during his betrayal. And in the end, Clank and I are close again. I really didn't like us fighting over the Dimensionator but I was blind to just how much of a threat it was. Clank was right like he always was and he stuck with me like he always does.
And then it happens. The air seems to burst open as a swirling portal of light and blue clouds appear above us. Three small creatures come through, black bodies with purple skin and blue eyes. I'm shocked when I see them and hear them talking to Clank.
“Whoa, Clank. Are these the Zoni?” I don't get an answer before they grab Clank, their energy knocking me back. I hit the ground with a thud, my mind whizzing now. No. This can't be happening. I sit up, my heart racing as I see them lift him towards that portal. They're taking my best friend away. I won't let that happen. I stand up, ignoring their words to Clank. I don't care what they're saying to him. I'm not letting him go!
“Let. Him. Go.” I growl when I'm finally on my feet again. I jump up, my arm outstretched. I almost have him, my fingers just about to wrap around his arm. But I don't feel him. Instead there is a flash of light and I'm hit with something invisible. I grunt as I'm slammed back into the ground, the air knocked out of my lungs. I can't let this happen, I can't. I get up, my back throbbing in pain, my lungs burning from the air forced out of them.
“Clank!” I call out to him, trying to get through. Why isn't he struggling? Why doesn't he fight back? I know the Zoni have to be doing something to him. He wouldn't willingly leave me like this. They make it into the portal and it collapses in on itself, taking the Zoni and Clank with them. I stare up at the empty air, my eyes wide and my ears hanging low. No...this can't be. Clank's gone...again. I haven't felt like this since Reepor when I thought he was dead. He's gone again, stolen from me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I stand there, holding my wrist as I realize it's hurting from my fall. But that pain is nothing compared to the pain of losing him again.
I slowly look over at everyone else here. Talwyn, Cronk, Zephyr, Rusty Pete, and Qwark. They're all silent, staring at me as I look at them all. They're all here too but my eyes slowly turn toward the ground. I can still feel their eyes on me. They're as shocked as I am, sad, all looking with worried faces. Clank's always been there for me and now I've lost him a second time. I feel alone, even with them all here. I feel all alone again.
Congratulations! Your application has been accepted into Vatheon.
Now that you're in the game, please follow the next few house-keeping steps. ☆ Comment here: #-H, I-Q or R-Z on the Taken Characters post. ☆ Join vatheon, caughtinanetworko7, vatheonooc, batheon and our dressing room starfishbucks with your character journal. Participation in Starfishbucks is not mandatory, but if you help a potential applicant voice-test, it would be much appreciated all around. ☆ Add your information here at the Player Contact page. ☆ Reread the rules and premise for a refresher. ☆ A list of permissions posts for the characters of the game can be found here. Please take a look at the posts there, and if you need a permissions post for your character, don’t forget to post a link there! ☆ Introduce yourself over at vatheonooc ☆ Game chat is on AIM, group name vatheon. Information about it can be found on the game's ooc community. ☆ While not required, it is highly suggested that you set up a Voicemail entry for your character. Be sure to use the ‘date out of order’ option!
If you have any further questions or comments, please head over to the f.a.q. Congratulations again, and we hope you enjoy the swim!
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Wavering
If you respond to this comment with your revisions, we'll look them over ASAP! You'll have until 01/09.
Revisions.
Sample
I smile at Clank, sitting up and letting my ears up more. His words are really helping me right now. Maybe he's right. Maybe I have fulfilled my purpose. Tachyon is gone, I've not only avenged my Father but all the other Lombax's that died during his betrayal. And in the end, Clank and I are close again. I really didn't like us fighting over the Dimensionator but I was blind to just how much of a threat it was. Clank was right like he always was and he stuck with me like he always does.
And then it happens. The air seems to burst open as a swirling portal of light and blue clouds appear above us. Three small creatures come through, black bodies with purple skin and blue eyes. I'm shocked when I see them and hear them talking to Clank.
“Whoa, Clank. Are these the Zoni?” I don't get an answer before they grab Clank, their energy knocking me back. I hit the ground with a thud, my mind whizzing now. No. This can't be happening. I sit up, my heart racing as I see them lift him towards that portal. They're taking my best friend away. I won't let that happen. I stand up, ignoring their words to Clank. I don't care what they're saying to him. I'm not letting him go!
“Let. Him. Go.” I growl when I'm finally on my feet again. I jump up, my arm outstretched. I almost have him, my fingers just about to wrap around his arm. But I don't feel him. Instead there is a flash of light and I'm hit with something invisible. I grunt as I'm slammed back into the ground, the air knocked out of my lungs. I can't let this happen, I can't. I get up, my back throbbing in pain, my lungs burning from the air forced out of them.
“Clank!” I call out to him, trying to get through. Why isn't he struggling? Why doesn't he fight back? I know the Zoni have to be doing something to him. He wouldn't willingly leave me like this. They make it into the portal and it collapses in on itself, taking the Zoni and Clank with them. I stare up at the empty air, my eyes wide and my ears hanging low. No...this can't be. Clank's gone...again. I haven't felt like this since Reepor when I thought he was dead. He's gone again, stolen from me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I stand there, holding my wrist as I realize it's hurting from my fall. But that pain is nothing compared to the pain of losing him again.
I slowly look over at everyone else here. Talwyn, Cronk, Zephyr, Rusty Pete, and Qwark. They're all silent, staring at me as I look at them all. They're all here too but my eyes slowly turn toward the ground. I can still feel their eyes on me. They're as shocked as I am, sad, all looking with worried faces. Clank's always been there for me and now I've lost him a second time. I feel alone, even with them all here. I feel all alone again.
ACCEPTED
Now that you're in the game, please follow the next few house-keeping steps.
☆ Comment here: #-H, I-Q or R-Z on the Taken Characters post.
☆ Join
☆ Add your information here at the Player Contact page.
☆ Reread the rules and premise for a refresher.
☆ A list of permissions posts for the characters of the game can be found here. Please take a look at the posts there, and if you need a permissions post for your character, don’t forget to post a link there!
☆ Introduce yourself over at
☆ Game chat is on AIM, group name vatheon. Information about it can be found on the game's ooc community.
☆ While not required, it is highly suggested that you set up a Voicemail entry for your character. Be sure to use the ‘date out of order’ option!
If you have any further questions or comments, please head over to the f.a.q.
Congratulations again, and we hope you enjoy the swim!