thalassino | RPG event - Quest NPC Contact

[That's an energetic little fella, right there. No wonder the mom looks so exhausted. He takes a few huge strides towards the boy so he can tower over him, his glasses flashing ominously in the light of the lanterns.]

Kid, sit down. I got a story for you.

[Woah. There's something kind of scary about Bro. The kid lowers his makeshift drumsticks, looking up at Bro with wide eyes.

His mother doesn't seem worried in the least. She's out of there in a flash to catch her precious naptime while she can.]

[Godspeed, exhausted mother. Bro will lean back against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest as he starts the story.]

Once upon a time, there was a little village out in the boonies called Loserville. Loserville was filled with a buncha weaklings who didn't believe in violence. Pacifists, the whole lot of 'm. That's why, for the past few years, Loserville was being plagued by a pack of vicious wolves. The wolves would eat their food, sit in their chairs and sleep in their beds. On Monday mornings, when the wolves were feelin' especially bad-tempered, they'd beat up the kids living in Loserville and take their lunch money.

Fed up with the wolves, the residents of Loserville decided to gather up all their savings and hire a specialist. That's how our hero, the Pied Strider, came to town. A dashing agent of justice, the Pied Strider was known far and wide for being downright awesome. Using his leet musical skills, he hypnotized the wolves and led them out into the forest, away from the village. The plan was to lock the wolves away in a cave, but just as he arrived at the cave entrance, he was approached by Lil Cal Riding Hood.

"Don't seal the wolves away," said Lil Cal Riding Hood in a pitiful little high-pitched voice. "They may have eaten my grandmother before my very eyes, but I've made peace with it. It's in their nature to be huge fucking douchebags. They don't deserve to die of boredom in a cave."

The Pied Strider shook his head. As much as wanted to spare the wolves of their wretched fate, the villagers had paid him to get rid of them. What was there to be done?

[... Is the kid still with him? This is only the prelude of the story, the real shit will hit the fan soon enough.]

[He's still paying attention, but he considers the pause to be an invitation for questions.]

Hey, what's leet mean? What kind of music is leet? And what's a fucking douchebag? How come Little Cal doesn't want to kill the wolves? Is being a fucking douchebag like being in the special class at school? Because my mom says I can't be mad at those kids even if they're really really REALLY slow I mean this one time -

[That's a good time to cut him off there, Bro.]

[Cutting off will definitely be a thing because, sheesh, how's he supposed to finish his story if he's left explaining nitpicky little things?]

It's a story, kid. Don't question it. ... And don't make fun of special kids, that ain't cool.

[Ahem hem.] So as the Pied Strider and Lil Cal Riding Hood pondered over what to do next, a mean little imp appeared before them to offer them a deal. "If you can guess my name," the imp said, "I'll send the wolves to another world where they can live their lives in peace and they won't bother anyone else. However, if you can't guess it, I'll release them from your musical hold so they will roam free through these lands once more. You get five guesses."

The Pied Strider had his doubts about this deal and considered continuing into the cave, but Lil Cal Riding Hood called him a fuckin' yellow-bellied coward and insisted they should try. After all, sending the wolves to another world would be the perfect solution to their little problem. So they tried to guess the imp's name. It wasn't Bob and it wasn't Charlatan. It wasn't Jack and it wasn't Harold. The Pied Strider made his fifth guess. "Is it Fraud?", he asked with a sneer. The imp shook its head. As it turned out, its name was Rumpledshitskin. Who would guess something like that? It was ridiculous, but the harm was done. With five guesses gone, the wolves awoke from their hypnotic state. They snarled and growled, then made a run for it. The imp cackled loudly and disappeared.

"Thanks a lot," the Pied Strider snapped at Lil Cal Riding Hood. "Now the wolves will keep harrassing innocent folks and I won't get paid." But Lil Cal Riding Hood just laughed. As it turned out, this was his plan all along. He knew the imp would be there, as it was the cave's mean little guardian. If the Pied Strider had ignored the deal and gone inside with the wolves, he would've been trapped in there as well, doomed to suffer through countless agonies. Realizing Lil Cal Riding Hood pretty much just saved his ass, he apologized for snapping at the little guy.

"Now, let's go on a quest to gather up those wolves again!" Lil Cal Riding Hood said with a bright grin. The Pied Strider wondered what they should do when they found the wolves again, as the imp's magic had made his hypnotic music ineffective on their ears. Luckily, Lil Cal Riding Hood had some useful connections. He knew of a huntsman who'd saved him from wolves before, so surely this guy could help them out with their little problem. With a skip in their stride and a determined smile on their face, they set out to find the huntsman.

[This story makes perfect sense, okay.]

[Rumpled shit skin?! The kid might not know what a fucking douchebag is, but he knows what shit is. He's giggling relentlessly through the second half of the story, but he gets quiet again to listen about the huntsman.]

Does the huntsman have a big axe? Or maybe two axes! Or maybe nunchucks with axe blades ON THEM.

Don't worry, kid. You'll hear all about the huntsman's awesome gear when our heroes get to him, but first they've gotta make their way through the enchanted forest. [He shrugs, then goes back into his deep, mildly impressive narrator voice.]

As the duo neared the enchanted forest where the huntsman lived, Lil Cal Riding Hood stopped walking and turned to face the Pied Strider. "Before we enter the forest," he said, "you need to know one thing. The forest's enchantments make it easy for travelers to get lost between the trees forever. That's why you have to follow the path." The Pied Strider blinked in confusion. "What path?", he asked. Lil Cal Riding Hood chuckled and pointed ahead, to a path laid out with yellow bricks. It was the yellow brick path that would lead them to the huntsman and they were not to stray from it, no matter what sort of awesome temptations they encountered. The Pied Strider nodded his head in agreement and into the forest they went.

After only a few minutes of walking, it became pretty damn obvious why the forest was enchanted. From the safety of the yellow brick path, they spotted all sorts of strange creatures darting through the woods. Fairies, gnomes, leprechauns, elves... There were talking salamanders and colorful unicorns, and the Pied Strider could've sworn he saw a nasty green ogre at some point. Still, they kept walking until they passed a house. It wasn't just any old house, either. This one was made of greasy junkfood and snacks! A path of bacon strips led to the front door, which was a gigantic poptart. The walls were made of pizza bread and the straw roof wasn't made of straw at all. It was a huge collection of french fries. The smell of freshly-made tacos rose up from the chimney and the Pied Strider stopped in his tracks, overcome by mad hunger.

"Don't be tempted, Pied Strider!" warned Lil Cal Riding Hood. "That house isn't on our path. If you go inside, you'll never come back out." But the Pied Strider groaned in dismay. His tummy was rumbling and the food smelled ever so good. Lil Cal Riding Hood promised that they'd pass a few apple trees soon enough, with their fruit dangling right over the path and free for the taking. Trusting his new friend's word, the Pied Strider turned away from the pizzabread house and tried to keep walking.

Just then, the door to the pizzabread house slammed open and the owner came running out after them. It was a witch. She reeked of cheap perfume and martinis. "Stop!" cried the witch. "Come back! Please, come inside my house and keep me company! I have all the hamburgers you can eat!" But both the Pied Strider and Lil Cal Riding Hood shook their heads. They could not keep the witch company, because they had to be on their way. They had to follow the yellow brick path to find the huntsman who could help them gather the pack of wolves. The witch threw herself down before their feet, begging them to stay. Even with all her delicious grub, no one ever came by to keep her company because she was a crazy, drunk spinster.

"If you want company, why don't you come with us?" the Pied Strider asked. "You can come meet the Huntsman with us and then you won't be all alone. Maybe he'll even help you with your alcohol problem." The witch immediately shook her head, claiming she didn't have a fucking alcohol problem and that she could quit drinkin' any time she wanted to. Even so, she longed for friendship and so she joined the Pied Strider and Lil Cal Riding Hood on their quest for the huntsman.

...I really want pizza bread now. Let's go ask mom to make pizza bread!

[Uh oh, sidetracked! Don't wake the mom, Bro!]

[It's too bad the quest description made no mention of keeping the little boy happy and fed, or Bro'd be going to wake the mom for pizza bread right along with the kid. Alas, it was about giving the mom some much needed rest, which means pizza bread is a no-go.]

Nice try kid, but you're not allowed to eat pizza bread this late in the evening. You already had dinner and everything. Just sit down and listen to the rest of the story.

[He's clearly not lacking for energy, anyway. A little hunger might make him calm down a bit. The boy sighs dramatically and hugs his knees, waiting for the rest of the story.]

[Yes, good. Now, where was he? Oh yeah.]

Accompanied by their new companion, the Wasted Witch, they continued their journey along the yellow brick path. On and on they walked, until they passed by a gigantic bean stalk that grew up, up, all the way into the sky. As they stopped to marvel at it, a voice shouted "Look out below!" Then, an enormous man fell down from the heavens and landed behind them with a deafening crash. It was a giant and if he wasn't dead before, he sure as hell was now.

Dumbstruck, the three turned to stare at the dead giant and a boy came swinging down from the beanstalk. He was awesome as hell, but did not gloat about it and instead gave them all a stoic, deadpan stare. "Are you the one who slayed that bigass giant?" asked the Pied Strider. The boy nodded and replied: "I am. I climbed the beanstalk to its castle in the clouds and killed it with one great blow. It's all in a day's work for a knight." The Wasted Witch gave an impressed "oooh" and Lil Cal Riding Hood let out a low whistle.

"You'd best be on your way," said the young Knight, "when the sun goes down, this forest becomes twice as dangerous." But the Pied Strider shook his head. The trio still had a long journey ahead of them and they were unsure they could find the Huntsman before nightfall. The young Knight's eyes widened behind his dorky shades. He'd heard of the Huntsman before. Tales of his radical dance parties had spread across the land far and wide, but the Huntsman would only allow close friends to enter. Lil Cal Riding Hood ensured the young Knight that he was on good terms with the Huntsman and they'd surely be allowed to see him. Swinging his broadsword over his shoulder, the Knight decided that he should accompany the trio to the Huntsman's home.

And so, our trio became a foursome and together they set out on the yellow brick path once again. Little did they realize, danger was on the horizon. You see, the evil leader of the wolf pack had caught wind of the fact that our heroes were seeking the Huntsman's help to get rid of 'm all, so he'd begun to concoct a plan of his own. All he had to do was reach the Huntsman before they did. Then, nobody'd be able to stop them and his wolves'd be free to be douchebags all over the land.

[As fascinating as all of this is, the boy just can't go any longer without knowing what a douchebag is. It's destroying the sense of danger! He has to know what the wolves are going to do that's so bad.]

What's a douchebag?

[Maybe if he asks nicely again, Bro will tell him.]

[Uh. Uhoh. He knows this technically isn't his kid and it's not like he shielded Dave's ears whenever he cursed, but he gets the feeling corrupting this kid might reflect badly on his quest completion score. So he'll break this to the kid gently.]

It's an ancient fairytale word. Basically means bad person, only a little more underhanded. Like, you know kids who'd take your backpack and throw it in a puddle of mud for no reason? In fairytale land, that'd be a douchebag. It ain't really a word to use around here though, so don't. Just call that person a jerk. [Yeahhh, perfect save.]

Oh, okay.

[He doesn't like old timey words anyway, if he goes saying douchebag he'll look totally lame! He quiets back down to hear the rest of the story.]

[This kid ain't so bad! He's not sure why the mom was having so much trouble with him.]

For hours on end, the four heroes wandered down the yellow brick path. It seemed like it would go on forever and ever. As the sun began to set, the Wasted Witch began to fret and worry, sticking close to the Pied Strider as if hoping he'd protect her. Or maybe she just wanted to use him as a human shield if danger were to arise. She was a witch, after all, so takin' advantage of other people was in her nature.

And then, appearing before them so suddenly it was like it came outta nowhere, was a house. Big, majestic... Almost like a mansion. The yellow brick path led right to its front door and Lil Cal Riding Hood grinned excitedly. "This is it!" he called. "This is where the Huntsman lives!" Lil Cal ran up to the front door to knock, but as he did, the Pied Strider lagged behind just long enough to see a wolf darting away from the back of the house. He exchanged a meaningful glance with the young Knight, who'd seen it too. Was it just a coincidence, or had the wolf paid a visit to the Huntsman as well?

Lil Cal Riding Hood knocked on the door once, twice, three times... But there was no response. "Maybe he's out hunting," the Wasted Witch suggested carefully. "That is what huntsmen do." But the young Knight shook his head, saying it was unsafe to hunt in the Enchanted Forest at this time of day. They should get inside the house as well, because twilight was turning fullblown nightfall. Lil Cal Riding Hood jiggled at the handle and the door swung open at his touch. It wasn't locked.

Throwing one last cautious glance into the darkness of the forest, they entered the Huntsman's house.

[She's run out of stories, and it's the only thing that gets him to sit still long enough to fall asleep. He is a good boy, he just has a very active mind and body. Still, after sitting still for this long, he's starting to feel the wear and tear of the day a bit. He climbs under his blanket and watches Bro, still listening carefully.]

[Well, don't fall asleep just yet, kid. Bro's getting to the good part, now.]

The place was dark and silent. Our four heroes wandered through the halls, calling for the Huntsman, but there was no reply. They entered the kitchen to find a weird sight. On the ground were the Huntsman's clothes, but there was no Huntsman! The Pied Strider and the young Knight exchanged glances again, but it was the Wasted Witch who broke the silence. "A wolf got to him first!" she shrieked like a hysterical maniac. "He was eaten and all that was left were his clothes!"

Everyone hung their shoulders. "With the Huntsman gone, who will help us gather up the wolves?" Lil Cal Riding Hood asked in a timid voice. "And who will keep me company?" the Wasted Witch chimed in, giving a loud, dramatic wail. "Who will organize rad dance parties?" the young Knight wondered aloud. But the Pied Strider wasn't listening. His gaze was on the clothes, as something was stirring within. So he sank down to one knee, reached inside the Huntsman's shirt and pulled out a big ol' nasty frog. Green, slimy, smelly and covered with warts.

The other three backed away in horror, but not the Pied Strider. He set the frog down on the table to watch it and then he understood. It wasn't a frog at all, it was the Huntsman. The wolves had put a spell on him so that he couldn't help the Pied Strider and his friends seal them away. He explained it to his friends, who shook their heads helplessly. "Great," said the young Knight. "That's just as bad as him being eaten. How's he supposed to help us as a frog? He can't hold a gun, or a crossbow, or even an axe."

It was the Wasted Witch who came up with a solution. Drunk and whiny as she was, she was wise when it came to magic spells. "It's said that a kiss of the One True Badass can undo frog transformations." Everyone stared at her like she was a moron. See, the One True Badass was a myth that was told far and wide. It was said that when the need was greatest, the One True Badass would emerge from the populace and save the day. Of course, it was just that- a myth. But the Wasted Witch shook her head and insisted that it was real. It was a prophecy made by the wisest seer and it would come to pass the very next day.

"But if the seer predicted the One True Badass would meet a person turned into a frog, that could mean the One True Badass is one of us!" Lil Cal Riding Hood deduced. Because what were the chances of someone else being turned into a frog recently, right? "Let's all try kissing the frog and see what happens!"

The Wasted Witch immediately backed away, making a face like this- [Bro makes an overly disgusted face at the kid, before continuing with the story.] "No way am I going to kiss a stinky old toad! Being the One True Badass isn't worth that kind of torture!" So she stood by the side as the other three lined up to kiss the frog.

RPG event - Quest NPC Contact

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